Table of Contents
Introduction
This is the first blog post I’m writing since creating this website for myself. I wanted a fresh start, a new beginning. Choosing to be a victor rather than a victim is my new motto. I want to start afresh and approach life differently. There wasn’t much I was happy about in the person I used to be. I was someone who constantly complained, nagged, acted irresponsibly, and struggled to take accountability for my own actions. But this version of me wants to be different.
I want to become someone who wakes up in the morning, not worried about the results, but excited about pushing beyond my comfort zone and enjoying the process of becoming the person I aspire to be. A silent doer. Someone who isn’t overly bothered by other people’s opinions, but instead focuses on doing the work that truly matters. I want to go deeper, both within myself and in everything I do, rather than settling for superficial understanding or shallow work. I want to be curious, intentional, and willing to put in the effort to become a person I desire to be.
The Realisation
Today, I was reading my old blog posts. As I read them after a long time, I saw myself in those situations from a third-person point of view and found a bunch of faults within myself that led to my failure in career and life.
I remember the depression and suffocation I used to feel in that 1RK room where I stayed for about eight months. The deep realisation I had about myself was how weak my fundamentals were when it came to life and management, and how I was working with the wrong mindset and the wrong motives.
I made this my truth: “When you let fear control your life, you end up in a place worse than what you were trying to avoid.”
I realised how completely I was driven by fear, how my actions were entirely based on fear and desperation to reach a particular result. My constant self-doubt emerged from my own shortcomings, the very things I was trying to hide rather than work on.
1. I was desperate to get a job.
Even though I knew I was lagging behind, instead of working on my weaknesses, I started hiding them from others out of fear. But deep inside, I knew my own truth. That was where my lack of self-confidence came from.
2. I completely neglected my health.
My sleep, my food, and daily exercise, all of which were necessities, became optional in my life. I was willing to sacrifice my sleep, my food, my mental peace, my health, and my relationships, all just for a job. Or maybe it was the fear of losing what I had or the desperation to have a better life.
3. I played the victim and blamed the people and situations around me.
While deep inside, I knew I was lacking the ability to deal with uncomfortable situations, and I was becoming weak. Instead of taking accountability for my own shortcomings, I blamed everything around me.
4. I claimed to be more than what I actually was.
I talked myself up, claiming to be more than what I actually was and what I was capable of doing. And then I constantly tried to push through the work or tasks just to prove my own words right.
5. I wasted my time on friendships and relationships that were empty inside.
They never fulfilled me, and I never provided any real value to them either. Everything was emptiness, illusion, and a mere waste of time. Those friendships I thought would last a lifetime didn’t even last a day after I left the job. The same happened after I completed my master’s. Those people I thought I could rely on became busy with their own lives, while I had to relearn how to live alone and be alone again.
6. I neglected my own intuition.
Sometimes, even though your logical mind tells you that everything is all right, your inner feelings try to show you the mirror of truth, the truth you deny seeing because you prefer to remain in the illusive world you have created in your mind. Every time my intuition told me something was wrong and I ignored it, I faced the consequences of listening to my logical mind rather than that inner mystical voice.
There Are No Overnight Transformations
I always get excited seeing transformation videos on YouTube Shorts. But when I put in the effort for two days and don’t see the results, I stop putting in the effort, completely forgetting that the 5-second transformation video I saw on the internet took that person 5 years of relentless hard work in the same direction, repeatedly overcoming a tremendous amount of self-doubt. It took years of persistence.
It’s time to get obsessed with the process rather than the results. As long as I’m giving my 110% and pushing my limits and comfort zones in the process, there’s no need to worry about the results.
Positive Changes
After a big disappointment and a hard time, I decided to come home and give myself time to heal, both physically and mentally. I reluctantly chose to live on my parents’ money and remain jobless while all of my friends were working after completing their master’s. It was a hard choice, but it was also like I had no other option.
My health kept deteriorating, my allergy flare-ups worsened, and so did my anxiety, depression, and sadness. One person stayed with me through all of this. His words motivated me during my down times to keep moving my hands in the water, even without knowing how to swim, just desperately trying to stop myself from drowning in the black hole of my mind.
Even though I haven’t healed completely, seeing the difference between who I was eight months ago and who I am now makes me realise how far I’ve come.
1. My physical health
Even though I always maintained almost the same weight and never looked fat or obese, I was skinny fat. I gained fat, my face was full of pimples, I was balding and experiencing hair loss, and I was trying to escape my own thoughts through my phone addiction.
Even though I don’t have the perfect body shape, a completely pimple-free face, or have gotten rid of my mobile addiction entirely, there has been a big improvement. And if I work a little harder and a little longer, things might change even more for the better.
2. Depression and anxiety
Looking back at how I used to feel almost all the time and comparing it with how I feel now, I can see a difference. I won’t say that I don’t feel depressed or anxious at all anymore, but there has been a significant improvement in how frequently I experience these feelings.
3. Clarity of thought
Things are becoming clearer. Rather than acting impulsively, I’ve slowed down. I’m becoming calmer than before, less desperate than before, I guess. I’m learning to pause, think, and give myself time instead of rushing into things out of fear or desperation.
It’s Time to Be Better…
Even though I don’t know exactly how I will transform myself into the person I desire to become, I have this realisation that certain habits might push me to become a better person, improve my health, and do better in my career.
1. Health
Giving utmost care to sleeping right, eating right, and exercising.
Many times, we treat our sleep, our food, and exercise as options. Now, through a great deal of suffering from seven years of chronic spontaneous urticaria and, more recently, issues with my digestive system, I’ve realised that these are not something extra you’re doing for yourself. This is the bare minimum you can do for yourself, for the only person who stays with you 24×7 until your last breath.
We forget, in the chaos of life, that we work so hard in our careers to afford three meals a day and a shelter where we can sleep without worry. Yet, when something happens in our lives, these are the first two things we end up neglecting.
2. Studying… Learning… Building Skills…
I always had the clarity that what you earn, how you earn, and how much you earn depend entirely upon your abilities. It’s always important to work on your weak areas and sharpen your axe before cutting down the tree trunk.
And in this ever-changing world, it’s even more important to improve our ability to adapt in order to survive. And to thrive, not just survive, you must always keep learning and growing throughout your life.
3. Letting Go of Distractions…
It’s time to work in silence.
In this world where we constantly let everyone know what we’re thinking and what we’re feeling, I have this deep intuition inside me that it’s time to move silently and sharpen my axe in silence.
Without letting anyone know what you’re doing. (BTW, no one cares about you as much as you think; they care about themselves. Even if you tell them about yourself, they’re going to compare themselves with you. If they think they’re doing better, they’ll feel happy; if they think they’re falling behind, they might feel jealous or even expect you to lose in life.)
It’s time to let go of people who no longer want to be in your life. It’s time to let go of those people who are dragging you down. It’s time to let go of the habit of constantly comparing myself with others. It’s time to stop watching what others are doing.
Well, I feel insecure and good for nothing when I see others growing in their lives. It only makes me compare myself with them and feel inferior. And honestly, I don’t want to keep doing this to myself.
It’s time to let go of bad times and bad memories.
It’s time to let go of the old version of myself, the one who was constantly driven by fear, desperation, and comparison.
It’s time to become a new and better version of myself by finally letting go of the person I used to be.
Conclusion
I just know that this transformation I’m looking forward to is no longer an option, no longer a good-to-have thing. It’s a must to survive, to thrive.
The fact is, I’m at the rock bottom I could be. No career, no money, dependent on parents who are going to retire soon, struggling with my health, no relationships that I can truly cherish, and those I do have, I may lose if I stay in this state for much longer. Mentally, I’m feeling dull, depressed, and good for nothing.
This is no longer the time to make excuses, but to take action and do something about the things I don’t like about myself. It’s time to stop waiting for things to magically fall into place and start taking responsibility for my own life, one step at a time.
